?

Log in

But maybe I need to stop thinking that someone will save me.
At the moment I feel like I have no one in the world to talk to. When I tried to reach out and ask for help, none of my friends did anything. I hate this feeling. I hope things will be better tomorrow.

Jul. 4th, 2016

Watched Fun Home yesterday. Pretty awesome musical. Currently addicted to the soundtrack.

"Telephone wire" made me cry a little bit because it's a pretty relatable moment of wanting to be open and honest.

The finale takes my breath away. "And now I'm flying away..."

I went with a friend of a friend. I didn't really know her but I felt comfortable enough to ask her out. It wasn't exactly a date, but we hung out at a coffee shop after the show and I got to know her a bit. We promised to go watch more Broadway shows together.

Jun. 19th, 2016

I don't understand the loneliness I feel these days. I'm lonely but I don't really feel the need to talk to anyone or be with anyone. I'm in a semi-depressed state, coming to terms with a lot of things in life that didn't turn out the way I would have liked them to be. I'm getting by though, and the way I see it, that's good enough. I just don't understand what's eating away at me.

I'm developing habits I haven't had before. For the past two weeks, I've been drinking every night. It's not to the point of alcoholism, but I fear it might get to that point if I'm not careful. I don't even get to the point of being drunk, but it's enough to make me wonder what the heck I'm doing.

On one hand, I don't really have much to be sad about. I have a stable job and I don't have to worry about how to get my next meal. On the other hand, all the friends I made over the past few years have left. Maybe it's that I don't want to meet anyone new... I just want my old friends back.

I don't know. I can't write tonight.
It's hard to consistently write on here, as usual. Not that I don't have any ideas on what I want to write about, but it's because of my need to remain private and hidden. When I first started LJ way back then, nobody even knew what Google was. I could write about anyone and anything, and nobody knew how to cross-reference or search for information to trace it back to me. These days, everything is way too easily found on the Internet. Not that I think anyone is actively searching for me, but I'd rather not leave a footprint behind if I can help it.

Funny thing is that I deleted my Facebook a long time ago and some of my friends now consider me as off-the-grid. All it takes to disappear these days is to not have a Facebook account.

I don't know where I will go from here. My job requires me to support people, and it's a wonderful fit for me. It's fulfilling, but unfortunately it's not satisfying enough. I want something more, but I don't know what that is.

I guess it's time to disappear again. Back into the shadows, beyond the traces of Google and Facebook. I want to figure out my life without the distraction of those things.

Another sleepless night, episode 638462

I always feel a little envious of people who are really charismatic. It seems like they can appeal to people so easily, while I struggle to even introduce myself. I have a friend like this, and during college he was always surrounded by an entourage of girls. My other friends would be jealous of him, but I understood that he was always like that since I knew him as a child.

I don't think I was ever jealous of him being surrounded by women, since I always thought the types of girls he attracted were extremely vain, but I was jealous of his ability to attract people. We would go out to eat at a restaurant and he could easily charm a waitress just by being himself. Meanwhile, I felt like I was pushed off to the side, so I would have to awkwardly look at the menu pretending I was still deciding what I wanted. By the time the waitress would take my order, I felt completely neglected. "Oh right... You're here too. What would you like?"

I could never have a chance to compete with people like that. Funny thing is that he was my best friend as a child, and he eventually did hurt me in a way that scarred me for life. I eventually made up with him, but that's another story.

I guess I just wonder how much easier it could be if I could talk to people as easily as he could. If only I could shrug off my introverted tendencies, would I be happier?

Basically, I'm lonely again, even though I meet a lot of new people through my job. I just don't share a good connection with anyone. I meet people who share the same interests I do but for some reason things just don't click. I thought if I met more and more people, something might click, but nothing has happened yet.

I once thought as a child, that if you shared the same interest with someone, you would become instant friends. But obviously this isn't true.

But where else can I look for friendship? Would meeting more and more people increase my chances of making a friend? Maybe, but at this point I doubt it would happen with me.

One day my friend told me he was depressed and lonely. It bothered me that my friend who could so easily make friends with anyone could say he was lonely. But then I realized, if he has the need to surround himself with so many people all the time, maybe he really is lonelier than I was. In my eyes, he was really lucky to have that charismatic ability and had no reason to be sad, but that wasn't the way he saw it.

Maybe I'm the same way in the sense that I don't see my own strengths and can only see the gaping loneliness that's in front of me.

I just need to find a way to fill it up, not by destructive tendencies but by doing something that would let me grow. I think writing on here again is a step in the right direction. At least I'm allowing myself to talk about these things instead of pushing ahead without thinking about it like I have these past few years. I have no regrets about pushing myself, and I definitely needed to do it, but now I think it's time to reflect on stuff.

I doubt I'll have any answers soon. Maybe a few more sleepless nights will help. That nagging sense of loneliness will eventually bring me back here again.
I want my life to mean something more beyond what it is now, but it's hard to derive a sense of meaning when I don't know how to move forward.

Maybe it's not time to move forward yet, but I can't help but feel a sense of anxiety and the need to push myself to the next level.

--------------------

Another morning. I hate going through the same motions everyday because it feels too mechanical and boring to me, but I don't really have a choice. Same old bus ride, same old walk to work.

Once the commute is over, I'm happy working.

Can't sleep

Can't sleep. I've been listening to some electronic music tracks that evoke really strong images and feelings in me.. and I can't get these thoughts out of my head.

I'm haunted by the nighttime city lights of a distant future. Like I'm staring outside a window at the busy city streets below. The glowing neon lights stretch out into infinity. It calls out to me, and I feel like I can fall away and disappear into the night.

I miss these dream-like vistas. How long has it been since I let myself get taken away by a reverie?

I'll have to find my way back home by morning. I'm just visiting for tonight. I'll come back again some day.

The night will wait for me.

On writing

It's hard for me to write these days. I have a hard time organizing my thoughts into coherent formats, not so much in the way that I can't think of ideas to write about, but rather, I get stuck in the thought process of organizing those ideas.

I've gotten so used to writing papers that I automatically go into the mindset where I need to make sure every sentence is referenced and is important to the overall structure. I get so caught up in making sure each idea flows properly to the next idea, that I may not even write about something if I feel I don't have enough proper knowledge to back it up.

This is frustrating when trying to write about anything, because I feel as if I never have enough knowledge. Opinions are easier to write, but I still get stuck a lot when I feel like I need to prove my point. The easiest thing to write about is my day, what happened to me, what I felt/saw,etc.. Basically, the easiest thing to write about is me, because I know me.

I guess this would be ok, but I never feel interested enough to write about myself or my daily experiences these days. I used to voraciously write down these things before, like I felt I had to document my life (and every thought/ideaI had) in case I ever wanted to look back on it, but now I simply feel like I won't ever do that. Once I write something, it's done and I will move on to the next thing.

I guess that's one of the things about me that's changed. I'm more forward focused, and I'm not as inwardly-looking and self-searching as before. I suppose this changes the way I approach writing.

I feel like everything I write has to be innately purposeful to me. Or maybe I just like hearing the rhythm of the sentence in my mind when I'm trying to figure out what to write next. I honestly don't know why I want to come back here again, but I always instinctively come back here when I'm doing some soul-searching.

There's also just something about writing that I miss, and I'm here to find it again.

Whenever I'm here on LJ, I still feel the spirit of my old self, a lonely boy searching for meaning in the world. I can't call myself a boy anymore, but I feel like I can't very well call myself a man who's entirely comfortable in his own world either.

In any case, I'm going to try to write more when I can, and let myself be open to writing incoherent thoughts and ideas again. This isn't a university paper, and I have nothing to prove on here.

Apr. 26th, 2016

Almost fell asleep in class today. I was nodding off, and I was fighting to stay awake. Fun. This almost never happens to me... I don't know why I was so tired today.

The semester is almost over. What I hate about this job is that I don't get a vacation. Right after the final exam, I just have to keep on going.

At least once things calm down, I can spend a little time planning for the future a bit.