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May. 19th, 2017

You know, I realized last night that I have a very weird funny situation going on. I went out with a bunch coworkers for karaoke, about 8 or us. Funny thing was that 7 of them were women and I was the only guy in the group. During karaoke, one of the girls started twerking, just having fun, and another guy passed by the room and saw that. He saw her and and gave her the thumbs up. Later on, I left the room and I bumped into him and he told me, "man, you have all the girls in there. How do you do that?" I laughed it off and didn't say anything, but that was actually the third time someone's asked me that.

Ever since I came to New York, my group of friends has been solely female. I feel like I've been unconditionally accepted by the female community as a whole or something, but it's so hilarious and weird. They talk to me about all the crazy stuff in their lives, about men, sex, and how hard it is to find a clean pair of underwear.

I feel like I'm in that stereotype that I have to be either gay or super attractive to be with a group of girls. I'm obviously not one of those... so I'm in this funny gray zone.

Oh well, I don't want to think to much on this. It's just a funny realization I guess.
I've been sick for the past weekend with strep throat... or tonsillitis. I'm not sure, but I had to take the past two days off work because of it. I was pretty much stuck in bed for 4 days.

I hated being sick, but it actually gave me a chance to watch a few movies on Netflix. All of them are kind of in the horror category...

"The Invitation"
This is a great, smart movie, but it is really slow to build up. It's basically a dinner-party from hell scenario, and I don't think it really does much to change that genre. However, it does play a lot on unspoken social rules with close friends, and I think that's pretty cool. It also plays upon your expectations, as most of the time you probably think you know what's going to happen... or do you?

"Under the Shadows"
This movie has a lot of similarities to "The Babadook," so it's very easy to want to compare the two. It's about a mother and her daughter during the middle of the Iran/Iraq war. Her husband is sent off to war and she has to take care her daughter alone. Then her daughter starts seeing the djinn in their home, and it goes from there. It was interesting to see Iran lifestyle back then. It slowly builds up to a feeling of isolation and anxiety.

"The Wailing"
This is my personal favorite out of the four movies. This is about a police officer trying to discover the source of the mysterious killings/plague around town. His own daughter gets infected and the search gets personal. This movie really plays on who you believe is right or wrong/good or bad, and it's finely acted out. It even throws in a lot of funny parts, despite all the heavy stuff happening. It has a lot of religious themes, and it pretty much asks if we would know good and evil if we stared it in the face. The movie is also two and a half hours long, but I think that was the perfect time to do the whole story justice.

It's hard to talk about this without actually spoiling anything. One review called it "grindhouse meets arthouse." It's very bloody, gratuitous, and has a lot of fanboy moments, but it also pulls it together in such a way that is important to its message. Basically, it follows a girl trying to run away from these strange surreal forces trying to kill her. The end is pretty amazing because you realize that the conclusion it makes is pretty much against everything the movie is about. It also has a strong feminist message. The story is pretty surreal and absurd though, so it might be hard for someone looking for a more grounded movie.


I feel a lot better now after resting these four days, so I'll go back to work tomorrow. I still have a sore throat, but it should go away soon.


Life Update

I feel like my life right now is just one big clump I categorize as "work." Sometimes when I get home, I have no idea what to do with myself except sleep so that I can get enough energy to go back to work the next day.

I still work as a mentor for college students with disabilities, and I get below average pay for a person with an MA. Whenever I tell people what my job is, they always think it's a heroic thing to do, and I'm amused by that. I like my job, but I hate the pay. However, it's extremely gratifying work most of the time, and I do feel fulfilled, like I'm serving a purpose. I'd be happy if I could continue like this forever, but the pay makes it very hard to justify staying. I'm also not very challenged by the job, and I think one day I'll have to leave. For now though, I'm as happy as I can be.

The most exciting thing that happened to me lately was that I spent the past weekend in Montreal with a friend. We went to the biosphere, Cirque du Soleil, axe throwing, and a few other places. Of course I couldn't help but think of another old friend when I went there, as our hotel was so close to McGill.

Other than that, my life has been sprinkled with tiny, uneventful, things that keep me busy. I'm playing Battle Champs on my phone, and it keeps me occupied during my off-times. I'm also an avid listener of podcasts now, since they're amazing for the commutes to and from work. I listen to the daily news in the morning, and on the commute home, I choose from 99% invisible, Criminal, Lore, or the Moth. They each range from about 30 minutes to an hour, so it's about the perfect amount of time. I listen to a lot of new music, and it's always a joy to find something new that I like.

Basically though, my life feels practical and boring, but I do get to spend a lot of time thinking of different ideas about the world. I'm fairly popular with my co-workers at work, and I'm known as a ninja/quiet guy who's secretly a wild party animal. My friends outside of work are still fairly limited though, since most of them live in other states. In terms of romantic relationships, I've opened myself up to them a little more, but I find that I'm just not that motivated to start one. I mean I still have these short term crushes, but I usually just wipe them out of my mind.

I've been wondering to myself lately that if I had a chance to tell a personal story, what would it be about? What is the one thing I would want to share about myself to others?
I don't know.

So yeah, that's my life update.
Sometimes while waiting for the subway, I like to read about politics.

My days feel.. unsatisfying?
I wonder what it is that I need.

A more constant contact with friends.. perhaps. I need a reason to look forward to the end of the work day. Right now, I practically live for work. I NEED something more, but friendships in New York are too hard to make and keep. I'm usually too tired after work to make an effort to go out, which hinders things. To top it off, my aunt is very jealous of my time. Every once in awhile I go out with friends and coworkers, but the day to day grind feels draining. I relish that time I can actually go out and connect.

I need more of a connection. A lifelink to the world outside my world. Another point of view.

I'm still a little scared to put myself out there. Not because I'm scared of rejection... but because I'm scared that I'll be caught up again in something or someone. Funny thing is that's probably exactly what I need.


I had a very visceral dream last night. When I woke up, I was still feeling that sense of heartbreak. So I figure I should write it down. Forgive my spelling and grammatical errors.

I was on a trip with my friends. I think it was to a small town somewhere. We were at a hotel and I met this cute and charming girl and I instantly became infatuated with her. We talked and I felt this connection between us. We talked for what seemed like days. We really got to know each other. Then suddenly, my friend, who is a charmer and fairly good looking, sees the girl I'm talking to and introduces himself. Immediately, I know what he's doing, and I instinctively feel angry, but I don't do anything about it. I look at the girl and I can tell she is enamored by him.

So little by little, I get phased out of the conversation. She nudges up closer and closer to my friend and flirtatiously touches him. My friend does what he does best, he talks and talks. The girl looks up at me and I know what she wants to say. "Thank you for introducing me to him." She thinks of me as brother rather than anything else. This breaks my heart because it's rare for me to feel a connection to someone, and here my friend comes in and treats it like another conquest of his.

I am now completely out of the conversation. I just nod my head every now and then, pretending I am listening, but I am just looking around at the hotel lobby. They move closer to each other and I can't take it anymore, so I run outside as fast as I can. I keep on running down the street. I run so fast that I start to sweat and my heart pounds in my chest. I feel this in real life too. I know this is a dream, and I try to calm my body down.

I am about to wake myself from the dream, but then I look around and I notice something strange. Around me is the street where I used to live in when I was a child. Everything is weird though. Everything is decorated up for Halloween, even though it's the middle of Spring. There are rotting pumpkins on the doorsteps, and the houses in the neighborhood seem abandoned. Everything is dark, like I am in a shadowy forest, there are dead leaves on the ground everywhere, and there are huge cracks on pavement. In the distance there is a forboding doorway that feels like it is inviting me to go inside. Funny thing is that I'm not scared. It's dark and creepy, but it excites me. I want to go inside that dark doorway and take a look. Instead though, I take pictures with my cell phone and I rush back to the hotel to tell my friends (The dream made the decision for me to go back to the hotel. I did not control where I was going).

When I get to lobby, my friend and the girl are gone. I know they went somewhere to get more privacy, and that sense of heartbreak is even stronger now.

That stupid thought comes back into my head. "Why am I never good enough for anyone else...?"

And it hurts me in real life, like a sharp spear is driven through me. It's not so much the fact I was chosen over someone else, but it was the thought that I'm never good enough if I am myself. I don't even remember about the Halloween town anymore. At this point, I wake up and I can still feel that sharp pain in my chest. My face is wet. I realize that I cried in real life.

My self-doubt is such a deep emotion ingrained within me. I was more scared of going back to the hotel instead of stepping into that dark doorway. It's harder for me to face up to the sense of loss and rejection rather than facing some dark unknown, but my dream forced me to do just that.

That feeling is going to stick with me all day. In reality though, that feeling is always with me, in the darkest shadows of my mind.

Time to go to work. It's 7 AM.


Sayonara Supervisor

My supervisor is leaving for a different job, so she invited everyone out for drinks after work. I'll go and probably get drunk again. I'm going to miss her though. She was great to work with. She gave me a lot of freedom and didn't micro-manage what I did.

It's different from my other supervisor..."Ok please make an outline of your plans and a timeline of when you'll finish your work" vs. "Ok, no problem, I trust you know best."

I'm a little scared of who will take her place.

Mar. 27th, 2017

I'm almost about a year and a half into my job, and I can't help but wonder where I'm going to go next. The only other option to go up in this job is supervisor, but nobody really wants to take that position.The director hinted that they might make a special position just for me and what I do, but I realize that whatever it is probably won't pay that well. That's the problem with working for this non-profit. I get a comparatively lower paycheck than others, but I get to do my dream of helping and working with people on a daily one-to-one basis. After more than a year of this, I can actually see the results of my intervention.

So the question is.... what next? Isn't that always the question?
Nothing like being drunk on the bus going home. It's a funny, surreal feeling. It rained a bit earlier, so the ground is reflecting that light orange glow from the streetlights above.

I had every chance to make a move on some women earlier. They gave every suggestion that they would have said yes to whatever I suggested, but my mind said NO. I wasn't like that, even though my body was saying YES. I listened to my head. I fought against myself, and now I go home alone like I always do.

I stare outside at the rushing asphalt below. The glowing buildings rush past by. I wonder if I'm stupid or just.... weird. I hear that any guy would jump at the chance to get into a girls pants. But I don't think that's true. I'm looking for something else.

I wish I could say I'm better than other guys out there, but I actually thought about "that,"and that bothers me a bit. I know it's only natural... but...

I suppose being drunk changes things. I will continue to fight myself until my mind, heart, and body agree. In the end, the night feels unsatsfying. Lost connections perhaps.

Maybe one day.


It's ok to make mistakes. We are only human after all.