?

Log in

No account? Create an account

The Midnight After

I just watched the mind-boggling movie "The Midnight After.

Read more...Collapse )

Tags:

So my supervisors acknowledged that I do good work, so they're giving me more responsibility so I could potentially move up.

Read more...Collapse )

Niagara Falls and Toronto

So in a random moment, my friend upstate says "Let's go to Niagara Falls next weekend." I, of course, say "Ok!! And while we're there, let's stop by Toronto too!" So that's how my trips are planned these days.

I also recently went to the UN again. It's been two years since I've been there, and it made me miss working there a bit. Then I remembered how I had to deal with all the stuck-up, prideful people and I realized that maybe it's better that I left when I did. I'm not talking about the country representatives, just almost everyone else.

The new grand assembly room looks cool though.

Life at the moment

I'm going on a trip to Las Vegas in a few weeks with some friends of mine.

Read more...Collapse )

Valkyria Revolution

Last night I made a horrible game purchase.

Read more...Collapse )

Root Letter

After a long marathon, I finished my first playthrough of Root Letter for the PS4.

Read more...Collapse )

Tags:

I'm having my first "library" day.

Read more...Collapse )
I don't have the words to fill this page tonight. I feel like I want to say something, to acknowledge my existence through words... to say "here I am, this is me," but my thoughts escape me.

I guess even just this is ok. "I was here tonight. I was lonely and seeking answers, but didn't find anything. And then I left."

Charisma

It was a busy week again. Today I had to get laser eye surgery because a blood vessel inside my eye was bleeding slightly. After the surgery, I had to make my way home by bus, but it was so hard to see outside that I could barely see which bus route I had to take.

---------------------

During the weekend with my friends, I noticed something really weird. I made a silly comment to the group and NOBODY responded to what I said. I felt really awkward after that, and I laughed nervously and looked away. A few minutes later, another one of my friends said the SAME EXACT thing and the whole group laughed like it was the funniest thing they heard. It was a very surreal moment when I finally understood how invisible I was, or rather also perhaps, how charismatic my other friend was. I can say ANYTHING, even the smartest thing possible, but nobody would listen to me. On the other hand, my friend could talk about anything, and everyone would be so amazed by him. Honestly, he even started talking about how he pooped in the toilet that morning, and everyone laughed, feeling like they could relate to him.

I've always known his charismatic nature, but this was the first time it actually hit me hard. In the world of social interaction, charisma truly is the key to things. I realize now that I may have a lot of smart or important things to say... it's just that I don't have that same charisma to make an impact.

I don't really want to be that charismatic person with all the attention... I guess I just want to be with people who actually care enough to listen to me. I know I won't always be lucky enough to have that though. I've been to enough social events where I basically become ignored and invisible, and it HURTS. I think I now understand my personality enough to see why that is. Maybe I am a little boring, I don't have entertaining stories to tell, and I'm not open enough to share personal parts about myself in comparison to the social butterflies out there. However, I know now that I'm NOT socially inept. I'm not a terrible person.

It's just simply who I am, and how the world reacts to me.

Realizing this makes me want to quit social life. Charisma accounts for way too many things in relationships. It's a skill I don't really want to deal with it. I guess that's why it's always been easier for me to have academic, professional, or serious relationships. I don't need too much charisma for that, I just need information and evidence to back up my thoughts.

It still hurts to be ignored, but at least I'm strong enough now to face that.

Tags:

Jun. 4th, 2017

I actually really enjoyed Governor's Ball. There were tons of people and it was packed, but I guess that didn't bother me too much. As expected, I liked indie rock and electronic, but I couldn't get into hip-hop or rap. I also couldn't get into Childish Gambino's type of music, but I respect it and gave it a shot.

The place was packed with teenagers and people in their early 20s. I felt extremely old.

After that, I went with my two elementary school friends to go bar-hopping. Funny thing was that I was totally pushed out of the conversation. By the end of the night, I was practically invisible. It's to be expected, considering one of my friends is really charismatic when there's a girl... and the two of them just talked all evening with me as a third wheel.

We all slept at the same hotel room for the night. Right now they're both talking and I'm completely ignored again. Feels frickin awkward, and I just want to go home for the day. Reminds me of why my self-esteem was so crappy back in elementary school.

I'll have to think of some excuse where I have to go back home early today.